vivid nothingness

does anyone else feel ripped off when you get a bagel that has a big hole in it?

My brother dropped out of school and is moving out tonight. My parents won't let him take the car because it's in their name and they paid for it so he's taking a bike. He's screwing his life up so badly and he has no idea. He never came home last night. My mom is a nervous wreck, my parents are fighting, and it just sucks to be around here. At least all the focus is taken off of me. Tomorrow is my last day here and I'm sure we won't be going out to dinner like we normally do when I leave.

I hope guiliana calls. By 8pm I'll have access to my brother's car. At least my brother is picking up my tips for me. Aimee never called me yesterday. My friends are dropping like flies. I guess I tend to alienate people, but whatever. As long as I have Casey and my job that's all I really need.

I wish my brother could get his act together. My parents are the best parents on the face of the earth, but they try. They kind of messed up a bit with me, but they are so lax with him. At least compared to what I had to go through. I was sheltered beyond belief, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I think sheltering someone too much makes them "act out" after they get out of the house. I do my fair share of "acting out", even though I'm really just doing what I want to do. Which I guess is kind of the same thing.

I can't wait to get home and see Casey. We're going to get stoned, go to the mall and shop for his x mas gift. I'm buying him sunglasses. We haven't exchanged gifts yet so we're doing it when I get back. But he already knows what I'm getting him because I can't pick out sunglasses for him.

I'm glad I'm getting out of here. I don't want to stick around and see what happens to my brother. I hope he stays safe and nothing happens to him. I'm really concerned. He has a lot of friends so I'm sure he'll have somewhere to stay. But I still think he's making a huge mistake. It's not my place to say that to him. It's his life, he's 18, and it's his decision.

Most of my journal entries are going to be friends only from here on out. Just to let you know. I'm sure that everyone I'm friends with are the only people who read this anyway. I'm not trying to be pretentious, I'm just trying to be myself. Yay.

1. When you look at yourself in the
mirror, what's the first thing you look at?
my face

2. How much cash
do you have on you?
22 dollars

3. What's a word that rhymes with
"TEST"?
best

4. Favorite plant?
bamboo

5.
Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
my mom

6. What is your main ring
tone on your phone?
something classical

7. What
shirt are you wearing?
long sleeved blue shirt i got at the thrift store and my bradley sweatshirt

8. Do you "label" yourself, could
you?
I don't have a label gun

9. Name the brand of your shoes
you're currently wearing?
none

10. Bright or Dark
Room?:
Dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this
survey before you?
She sings

13. What were you
doing at midnight last night?
sleeping

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

"don't know. sleeping, etc"

16. What's a saying that you say a lot?
i dunno

17. Who told you they loved you last?
casey

18. Last furry thing you
touched?
uhh...my hair?

19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three
Days?
weed yesterday, and probably the day before...and probably the day before that.

20. How many rolls
of film do you need to get developed?
none

21. Favorite age you have been
so far?
um..21 is cool.

22. Your worst enemy?
don't really have one

23 What is
your current desktop picture?
a starbucks cup with the decaf box checked off. it says, "i give decaf to customers who are rude to me"

24. What was the last thing you said to someone
thanks

25. If you had
to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?

i want the money

26. Do you like someone?
sure

27. The last
song you listened to?
something by rancid

28. Favorite day?
saturday

29. What was the last dream you remember about?
I don't remember

30. Funniest thing that has happened to you today?
emily forgot her coat in class

31. What color is your swimming suit or trunks?
flower or the blue one

32. If you could be a super hero, what would be your
name?
kate the great

33. What is your
Least Favorite Food?
hotdogs

34. In one word, describe your nose.
ugly

35. Look to your right. whats the first thing you see?
pile of crap on my desk

36. What is the worst movie you've seen in the past three years?
uhh..I'm not sure

37. What is the hardest thing for you to do?
wakeup in the morning

38. When was the last time you barfed?
probably a month or so

39. What color is the carpet of the room youre in?
green

40. Who was the last person that rang your doorbell?
I don't have a doorbell

41. Where is your least favorite place?
school

42. Do you like your significant others' friends?
sure

43. Where is the last place you
vacationed to?
no idea...south carolina maybe

44. What do you do when you're nervous?
bite my nails

45. How do you like your eggs?
scrambled

46. What is an object that is sentimental to you?
im not sure

47. What is your favorite board game?
scrabble or battleship

48. What was the last surprise you had?
uhh...not sure

49. When was the last time you got the hiccups?
i think maybe yesterday

50. What kind of perfume or cologne are you wearing?
none

I'm manic hypomanic whatever you want to call it and its driving me crazy. I've been up all night thinking about weird shit. At 8am I decided that I should clean out my car and thankfully I was able to ignore that urge. I'd still like to clean out my car but it's too early. At least I'm sane enough to know how ridiculous I'm being. I already called Casey twice and woke him at least once asking him what meds I should take. I took my last klonopin. I'm going to call the health center when it opens if I'm not feeling better in a half hour. Since they open in a half hour.

ER starts soon maybe I can watch that. I also have to finish my works cited for my soc paper. I have so much shit I'm thinking about and the same five tasks are cycling through my head and they're not going to stop until I finish them. But I know it's stupid to do that stuff right now. I'm fucking tired and I can't sleep. And all I can think about is how dirty the backseat of my car is or how I don't have a good enough topic for my senior project. Damn damn damn. I feel fidgety and uncomfortable and I just want someone to give me something to get me to calm down.

ahhhhh. AHHHHHH.

Casey and I forgot about our six month anniversary. I always remember stuff like this. I just can't believe both of us forgot. I'm so bummed. At least I might not have to go to the holiday meeting on my day off. I'm going to try to go to it on Tuesday while I'm working. Hopefully the store won't be too busy so that I can sit down and hear most of it. Of course this is going to be my third holiday meeting..so I pretty much know the drill.

I feel like such a horrible girlfriend. Not just for the anniversary thing. Everything cycles with me. And it's not fair to him. I don't do this to anyone else. But nobody else knows who I am. That also has me really bummed lately. I talk to Casey about everything and he doesn't get mad at me. He only gets mad when something is wrong and I don't tell him about it. Otherwise he'll lay with me and listen to me talk/cry all night. That's part of the reason why I love him so much.

I wish I could sleep. I'm really tired of watching nick at nite.

I hate being me.

I hate hurting the people I love. And I do it all the time. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I don't have anything left. I'm a terrible person and I'm tired of realizing that when it's too late. I'm tired of taking meds that don't do shit. 3 pills in the mornig and 4 at night and I'm still fucked up.

I'm worse than I thought I was. And I can't stop crying.

I'm quitting smoking because I don't want to die. But sometimes that just doesn't matter. I'm going strong this time. I think I can do it. I just don't want to lose momentum. It's so close to falling apart.

I'm losing control of my life. And I don't have the energy to get it back.

It has been a long ass day. I got out of class at noon, and I've been studying/reading/writing a paper since 12:15. It's nearly 6pm and the only break I've taken was when I went to planned parenthood to get my patches. Not very exciting. I did walk over to the library to do some research, but the books I needed weren't there. I was really focused earlier, but now my brain is on overload. I go to work in an hour so that will clear my head. I don't have to think much when I'm not the shift on. The White Sox are playing tonight and I'm going to miss it. I always miss the games and it really bums me out. I saw the end of the last game. I turned it on right when Konerko hit the grand slam. Awesome timing. A few people from work are going to Jeremy's to hang out. I don't know if I want to. It would probably be good to just hang out with my friends. I only really see them at work. I just don't know if I'm up for it. I live behind this facade. I don't like to bother my friends, but sometimes I'm just so depressed that I can't function. It's been really bad lately. I love my job and I usually have a good time when I'm there. But the past week I haven't been able to concentrate. I can barely hold a conversation with my co-workers and my customers. I feel like I need adderall every time I go to work so that I can function. I still get shit done, but I can't talk because if I start talking I'll cry.

I told my doctor all of this and we decided I would start taking wellbutrin again. Last time I took it I was up for two days straight. We're not sure if it's because I was hypomanic or because of the wellbutrin. This time I'm taking a different anti-psychotic and neurontin which helps me relax so maybe it will work out this time. Wellbutrin (also called Zyban) is also used for smoking cessession. So that's a plus. I take a total of four different meds every day to keep me sane. That's sick. Really fucking sick. I just try not to think about it.

I need to force feed myself. I've had a slice of pizza and a handful of pretzels all day and I'm not hungry. I look at food and imagine it in my mouth and I get grossed out. Maybe I'll have some soup when I get home from work...or I can have a high calorie drink at work (yuck!).

So I'm really working on not smoking. Yesterday I had one cigarette. I haven't had any so far today, but I'm chewing gum like a mad woman. I really want one right now. Even just a few drags would help me get my mind off of it. I know that after I smoke (if I do) I'll feel really bad about it, and I don't want to feel bad about it. I have four cigarettes left and I'm going to try to make this my last pack. This is very ambitious of me and I know smokers say this kind of stuff all the time. But I'm really serious about it.

Wish me luck...

Today I was driving to work from the bank and I noticed a sign on the side of the road that said free dirt. Weird, right? This sign had an arrow and it was pointing towards a cemetary. It made me laugh. It's funny in kind of a morbid way. Everyone at work thought it was pretty funny/weird too.

I just had to share.

I went to bed extremely early last night. Like before 10pm. I called Emily when I got home from work to see if she wanted to study for our soc300 test. She had some other homework to do first so I went and had dinner and started studying on my own. Twenty minutes into it I fall asleep. Good thing Emily called or I think I would've been out for the night, sleeping sideways on my bed with papers all around me. So I've been awake since 7:30. I'm nervous about my test. I'm still going over the study sheet and my noteecards...I think I'll do ok. I hope.

I have to close tonight which sucks because I'm going to be ready for bed at 10 and I'll still have two more hours. I hope we get out early tonight. And I hope Casey is awake when we're done. I just hope I can see him at some point today. I have to get back to studying. I still confuse the 'coat tails theory of evolution' and the 'saphir-whorf hypothesis'. Damn.

So for a few days I thought I wasn't going to graduate on time. Met with my adviser today and I'm going to be fine. For an English major you need to take 5 courses out of the 4 groups. So that rocks. I don't have to take the grammar class I was worried about and I can actually take classes with the professors I like. So I'm excited about that. AND I'm also going to finish my minor on time. I'm also going to have a class with Steph so that will be fun fun fun.

I was going to take this business class with a professor who comes into starbucks all the time, but there's a huge group project and I hate that stuff...so I'm taking something else instead. I'm so happy! I've counted and re counted my credit hours and as long as I don't have to drop any classes I'm going to be fine. WOOT!

I hung out with Casey today. He's amazing. I've probably said that a billion times, but I don't care.

In my last real entry I wrote about how the screen on my cellphone wasn't working. So I went into Verizon today to see what they could do. They took the battery off of my old phone and put it onto a new phone (same phone) and loaded all my contacts and I was good to go. They said I had a one year warranty on my phone, but I've had this phone over a year so I'm glad that worked out. I didn't have to pay for anything and I still get 100 dollars credit towards a new phone in May. WOOT!

I still haven't heard back from my adviser...so hopefully tomorrow.

I'm tired. I have to write a paper tomorrow, work, and then I'm going to study with Emily for our soc test. Good night all. I'm glad to be going to bed before 5 in the morning :)

So Casey and I are hanging out and being silly (like we usually are) and I invented a word:

hornicular

it means to be really horny.

We laughed for a while...and no, it had nothing to do with me being horny :)

It's been a while since I've updated. I guess I've been busy. Fall break just started for me, which means I don't have class on Monday or Tuesday, but I do have a test on wed, thur, fri, and mon of next week. So that's really cool. I usually take all English classes so I'm not used to having midterms, but I'm only taking one English class this semester so this is a new experience for me.

I don't really have much to say except:

GO WHITE SOX!!!

casey is the shit. seriously. I know for a fact that there is nobody else like him and I am the luckiest girl in the world.


"are these the good days, that I've heard so much about.
There goes the heartbreak that I can live without" (Reel Big Fish)

my favorite song. it reminds me of casey. I've never been happier.

loves you.

hi